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people i should apologize to: 1. osamu tezuka
So apparently there exists this picture of a fan's sign from the AI '08 tour (pic nabbed w/o permission from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
greensilver) that I did not know about.
How is this awesome? Let me count the ways:
And it got me thinking about an AU where Prof Archuleta was trying to create an artificial intelligence who would be his "son" but before he could finish the project hedied NO THAT'S TOO SAD let's just say he was imprisoned or whatever for trying to make robots more human-like. AND SO his incomplete coding was secretly sent to his former student David Cook, who is now working in R&D for something-or-other Corp, who, in order to fulfill his mentor's dreams, decided to continue the project.
So now we have Cook writing code (on weekends, holidays and the minutes he has free in between his totally soul-sucking corporate job WHICH WAS NOT AS EXPLOSION-FILLED AND HEROIC AS THE RECRUITER SAID IT WOULD BE!) trying to figure out just what the hell the Professor was thinking with the weird random code-y bits that don't make sense or contradict each other or are nothing like how AI should be. At first he posts his in-progress stuff to a mailing list for other programmers to look at, but their comments were so unappreciative and spoke of their lack of appreciation for innovation and also COOL that he stopped subscribing to the thing altogether.
One night he got so drunk and in what he calls a boneheaded accident (and what his friends call a deep shameful well of narcissism) he names his fledgling AI after himself. Then he gives it a last name, which just happens to be the surname of his fledgling mentor. The next morning, he wakes up, sees the irreversible changes he made and vowes (after the hangover goes away) to make the software development version of Gmail's Mail Googles.
(I will skip most of the Programming! Action! Sequence! as it will only bring up tragic memories of my failed exploits in C.)
Finally, his (and Prof Archuleta's) AI is complete, and he decides to install it in his house. It makes him feel a little like Tony Stark, except without the glowing heart, awesome metal suit or a best friend in tights (Michael doesn't count; he's Australian). He stoically ignores the warnings of others — what if there's a secret code embedded in it that allows it to violate the Third Law of Robotics? what if its processing power is barely sufficient to open a door, let alone be your housekeeper? what if your microwave doesn't like it and stage a coup and you'll have to eat cold leftovers forever and ever? — and carefully powers up its meticulously-built system.
"Boot."
Silence. There isn't even an annoying muzak chime or screechy bleeping. Cook checks everything and tries again.
"Respond."
Okay, talking to an empty room (even if it is wired to within an inch of its life and is glowing soothingly at him) is getting a little embarrassing. Maybe he shouldn't have– he should have– or was it the—
-
The vocal synthesizer (which he had built himself, ignoring the well-meaning condescension of people who said he was wasting his time and should just go buy one of the high-grade models, because Cook liked working with his hands and making things and sometimes analog was just the way to go, you know?) sounds... different. None of that smooth inflectionless shit the ads claimed was therapeutic, but human: a little crackly with what Cook decides is a hint of warmth and—
-
—young.
Shit.
He suddenly remembers the letter from the Professor, the one written on blue graphing paper that had been folded above the protective casing of the hard drive containing the AI, the one whose seventh sentence in the third paragraph had read
His AI is only seventeen years old, and Cook has just given him complete access to his entire life.
*
"Archie. Please let Michael in," Cook says.
-
Cook sighs, resisting both the urge to put his hands on his waist (he loves his mom very much, but he'd rather not want to be her) and threaten to delete Princess Princess Karaoke from the hard drive yet again (New Year's Resolution # 5: when dealing with recalcitrant teenage AI, be less petty and more mature, as he is physically one year old and mentally 17. Dear god, he really is becoming his mother.)
Be mature. He can do that. Out loud, he asks, "If you're not going to let my best friend inside my house, I at least deserve an explanation. Why aren't you letting Michael in?"
The living-room blinds rustle in agitation.
"I'm waiting, Archie."
The coffeemaker gurgles weakly, but no response from the AI himself.
Screw maturity. "I'll delete Princess Princess Karaoke," he says and stares into the nearest visual feedback sensor with his best menacing glare.
A quick alarmed burst of static from the TV, then: -
"What things?"
-
"Archie."
-
"Archie."
-
"We are going to scrub every inch of your cache and upgrading your content filters right now."
-
Cook sits on the couch and reaches for his keyboard. "Let him wait."
The keyboard hums approvingly.
IN CONCLUSION, ROBOTS ARE AWESOME. AND SO ARE DAVIDS.
ETA I was intending to do a meme or other, but stupid sexyflanders robots got in the way :|
greensilver) that I did not know about.How is this awesome? Let me count the ways:
- This fan was shipping Jeff and Lupe (which might be a little strange except tbh i ship them too because ok WHY NOT)
- You know who wrote the thing at the top? DAVID FUCKING COOK.
And it got me thinking about an AU where Prof Archuleta was trying to create an artificial intelligence who would be his "son" but before he could finish the project he
So now we have Cook writing code (on weekends, holidays and the minutes he has free in between his totally soul-sucking corporate job WHICH WAS NOT AS EXPLOSION-FILLED AND HEROIC AS THE RECRUITER SAID IT WOULD BE!) trying to figure out just what the hell the Professor was thinking with the weird random code-y bits that don't make sense or contradict each other or are nothing like how AI should be. At first he posts his in-progress stuff to a mailing list for other programmers to look at, but their comments were so unappreciative and spoke of their lack of appreciation for innovation and also COOL that he stopped subscribing to the thing altogether.
One night he got so drunk and in what he calls a boneheaded accident (and what his friends call a deep shameful well of narcissism) he names his fledgling AI after himself. Then he gives it a last name, which just happens to be the surname of his fledgling mentor. The next morning, he wakes up, sees the irreversible changes he made and vowes (after the hangover goes away) to make the software development version of Gmail's Mail Googles.
(I will skip most of the Programming! Action! Sequence! as it will only bring up tragic memories of my failed exploits in C.)
Finally, his (and Prof Archuleta's) AI is complete, and he decides to install it in his house. It makes him feel a little like Tony Stark, except without the glowing heart, awesome metal suit or a best friend in tights (Michael doesn't count; he's Australian). He stoically ignores the warnings of others — what if there's a secret code embedded in it that allows it to violate the Third Law of Robotics? what if its processing power is barely sufficient to open a door, let alone be your housekeeper? what if your microwave doesn't like it and stage a coup and you'll have to eat cold leftovers forever and ever? — and carefully powers up its meticulously-built system.
"Boot."
Silence. There isn't even an annoying muzak chime or screechy bleeping. Cook checks everything and tries again.
"Respond."
Okay, talking to an empty room (even if it is wired to within an inch of its life and is glowing soothingly at him) is getting a little embarrassing. Maybe he shouldn't have– he should have– or was it the—
-
hello. -The vocal synthesizer (which he had built himself, ignoring the well-meaning condescension of people who said he was wasting his time and should just go buy one of the high-grade models, because Cook liked working with his hands and making things and sometimes analog was just the way to go, you know?) sounds... different. None of that smooth inflectionless shit the ads claimed was therapeutic, but human: a little crackly with what Cook decides is a hint of warmth and—
-
my name's David Archuleta. what's yours? -—young.
Shit.
He suddenly remembers the letter from the Professor, the one written on blue graphing paper that had been folded above the protective casing of the hard drive containing the AI, the one whose seventh sentence in the third paragraph had read
This project had always been a long-standing dream of my wife and I, that we would have, despite the numerous failures of modern medicine, that we would have someone we could love and cherish, though society and conventional knowledge would disapprove and misunderstand.In Cook's marvelous quest to create an artificial intelligence which would honor the Professor and revolutionize the way humans looked at mere numbers and gibberish, he had forgotten one tiny inconsequential thing:
His AI is only seventeen years old, and Cook has just given him complete access to his entire life.
"Archie. Please let Michael in," Cook says.
-
no. - One of the lamps blinks on-off to emphasize the AI's point.Cook sighs, resisting both the urge to put his hands on his waist (he loves his mom very much, but he'd rather not want to be her) and threaten to delete Princess Princess Karaoke from the hard drive yet again (New Year's Resolution # 5: when dealing with recalcitrant teenage AI, be less petty and more mature, as he is physically one year old and mentally 17. Dear god, he really is becoming his mother.)
Be mature. He can do that. Out loud, he asks, "If you're not going to let my best friend inside my house, I at least deserve an explanation. Why aren't you letting Michael in?"
The living-room blinds rustle in agitation.
"I'm waiting, Archie."
The coffeemaker gurgles weakly, but no response from the AI himself.
Screw maturity. "I'll delete Princess Princess Karaoke," he says and stares into the nearest visual feedback sensor with his best menacing glare.
A quick alarmed burst of static from the TV, then: -
the last time he was here, he accessed things. on the internet. -"What things?"
-
things. -"Archie."
-
humans... without clothing. -"Archie."
-
cook? -"We are going to scrub every inch of your cache and upgrading your content filters right now."
-
what about michael? he's still outside. -Cook sits on the couch and reaches for his keyboard. "Let him wait."
The keyboard hums approvingly.
IN CONCLUSION, ROBOTS ARE AWESOME. AND SO ARE DAVIDS.
ETA I was intending to do a meme or other, but stupid sexy
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I LOVE YOUR BRAIN. I LOVE IT. LOVE IT. PORN. ROBOTS. COOK THE PROGRAMMING GENIUS WHAT THE FUCK.
IDEK ANYMORE, OKAY. YOUR BRAIN. IT PWNZ ALL.
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let's just say the day archie found out exactly what those naked humans were doing was not a day to be spoken of again in the Cook-Archuleta household :|
I am glad it wasn't all weird for you! Because I had massive tense failure and Archie is body-less and is also practically the love child of Cook and Jeff Archuleta :O some would consider that, um, strange.
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i'm crying here, descartes (still feels weird! will do it until it stops feeling weird).
CRYING.
YOU ARE AMAZING
IN THANKS I OFFER WHAT YOU HAVE EITHER SEEN ALREADY OR WILL SEE SOON (http://mattclaytonphotography.blogspot.com/2009/01/david.html)
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I CAN NOW TELL MY PARENTS, it's ok mom and dad, i can die happy, I HAVE SEEN THE FACE OF GOD
THERE ARE ARMS AND EYES AND STUPID SEXY NECKS and I feel so horrible that I've written david as body-less, because PHWOAR FFFF
...this story must end with cook making a gawky robot body for archie. QED.
(i am also tempted to photoshop glasses on the pics in order to fuel my glasses-fetish, but am afraid photoshop will BSOD from sheer hotness ಠ_ಠ will have to make do with icons then)
Right now I am thinking about Cook telling bedtime stories to his ceiling (aka Archie) about the heroic exploits of Professor Jeff *_* Some of it will be carefully-constructed inventions (like the time the Professor fought off giant octopi with THE POWER OF JAZZ) and other times Cook's stories makes Archie wish (or as close to wishing as a highly-advanced AI could ever hope to do) that the Professor was around, because at least his Princess Princess Karaoke would be safe from the constant threat of deletion.
I CAN'T STOP.
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MORE ROBOTS NOW!
ALSO CLONES!
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It's, okay, so the whole Princess Princess Karaoke situation happened when Cook realized that in order to keep Archie well-maintained he had to work on his actual job, and for a few weeks it was totally fine because Archie had minesweeper and pinball and doodling little things on Paint that he could send to Cook's e-mail to accompany his lunch break.
But then Archie discovered boredom. It was not pretty. There were clothes that previously weren't pink but had recently discovered their inner fuchsia. There were experiments with food that had Cook wishing the team on the upper floor could release their taste feedback sensor project for beta testing. There was, for the very first time, the dreaded question no parent or reluctant parental figure wanted to hear: "Why can't I go on the Internet?"
Cook still couldn't forgive Jason for introducing Archie to Princess Princess Karaoke. Not just because it was fucking Princess Princess Karaoke and Jason's own sister had outgrown it when she was nine, but also. Well. He was kind of mad he didn't think of it first.
(mostly I'm just really appalled that Archie is apparently running on Microsoft. Woe.)
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I think Cook should be PC. And Arch should be MAC, but less hipster-jerk-ish. and they can make commercials together and follow it up with sexytimes.
and NEVER STOP THIS, PLEASE, because David-the-robot needs to be a fucking SITCOM ON MY TELEVISION AT 4PM M-F, OKAY.
And you make a good point about awesome Japanese creations. Domo arigato! I think David-the-robot and Cook should form a Styx cover band. and they'll only cover that ONE SONG, and Cook will think it is the funniest thing ever, because it IS.
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fuck photoshop, it would've died for the cause, and done so happily. DO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
AND A:DLFHSDF YOU SPEAK AND SAY THESE THINGS AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT EXACTLY TO DO TO MAKE YOU NEVER STOP TALKING EVER. THE POWER OF JAZZ. HIS FEAR FOR THE SAFETY OF HIS PRINCESS PRINCESS KARAOKE. YOUR BRAIN IS MY FAVORITE THING ON THIS FUCKING EARTH.
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Also. HIIIIIIIIIII OMG, YOU'RE AWESOME.
And I WANT AN AI!ARCHIE IN MY HOUSE OMGOSH.
PS. I was kinda hoping for weird programmy bits though. XD /geek
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Haha, I was skipping all the programming bits because my coding knowledge is EPIC NONEXISTENT FAIL (so sorry CS11 prof ;_;), unless somehow Cook managed to build Archie using
<div>and CSS (it will be the prettiest and most awkward teenaged website ever...now I'm wondering if a spin-off where Cook is a designer and Archie is a website is possible o_O)no subject
I'm now intrigued though, why did you have CS11?
...now I'm wondering if a spin-off where Cook is a designer and Archie is a website is possible o_O)
With your brain, any fic is possible. Translation: OMG WRITE ITTTT! :D
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If Archie was a website, he would be the /cm/ thread on 4chan. I'd say /mu/ but that one's full of snobs :| i can't believe i'm thinking about this wtf
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We could be, next school year when Eng'g finally kicks me out. XD*does not understand what /cm/ and /mu/ are, bahahaha*
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oh my god, every time i think you are the most fantastic ever, you go and get fantasticer. ARCHIE ON 4CHAN. ARCHIE AS A BOARD ON 4CHAN. AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH.
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http://scoop-k.livejournal.com/381941.html?mode=reply
SERIOUSLY, I mean, in a slightly different way, because I was basing it off Mr. Roboto, but I TOTALLY RELAAAAAAATE!!!!
AND OH MY GOD YOU ARE HILARIOUS
MICHAEL
PORN
LOL LOL LOL LOL
I LOVE IT
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why the world has not discovered what we already know as TRUEST FACT THAT CAN EVER BE FACT...ED -- ie, that the combination of robots and David Archuleta is the PINNACLE OF AWESOME, well, they are missing out :(
cook can't believe he has house rules now. he especially can't believe one of them is "no porn inside the house." he was cockblocked by his own semi-omniscient robot.
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I LOVE YOU FOREVER
my favorite thing about robots? you can have as many as you want, all you need is the parts!
If there was fic in which they were the new Star Trek: Next Generation (okay, I was like 9, I couldn't help liking this show!), David would be Data where there is the ~*~personality chip~*~ and it makes him all human-y... and Cook could be... ummm, Captain Picard, LOL, and um. IDK. I don't know what I am saying. Cook is bald, that's what I am saying.
But Michael would totes be Riker and Carly would be Deanna Troy. I really hope you know what I am talking about.
AHhhhhhhhhh